Letters
Pen Pals
Pen Pals
We said
that’s what we could be
Forbidden friendship across the great divide
of broken relational chasm
that exes create
a fortress of social standards
keeping armies of alignment at bay
Yet I
am her secret admirer
perhaps it is expected that I look over with a
cocktail mixed bomb of hostility and self protection
yet
it is not enemy territory I see.
Bruised Knees
Dear pen pal
Beloved face of another me, is it weird that I miss you already?
We said goodbye for now, last night
but I’m afraid.
I’m afraid it’s goodbye forever because things like this
you and me
don’t happen and I’m worried you will wake up and this was
all a dream.
I would have to go back to pretending I never knew you.
Avoid you in public spaces and miss your eye contact
then wondering
if you want to see me, or even notice me, at all.
That this bond we feel right now
so hard fought
with bruised knees of prayer
would turn one sided.
A mole once cute turned cancerous and best removed.
Is it weird that I miss you already?
The sweet moments of catching ourselves in each others eyes turned all to real weren’t too real for me
It was - is
just enough.
Beautiful. Tender and precious, to me.
You’re forbidden, I know
Not in the way like a poisonous fruit that needs avoiding but
in a
that’s usually off-limits
and unhealthy
and
why would you even want to know her?
And yes, perhaps you’re right.
Perhaps the knowing feels sweeter and its all the more reason to want to know you because its forbidden
friendship
and yet.
I want to know you in spite, or despite
all the reasons why I might be curious.
Perhaps because we can and just the beauty of that feels infinitely sweet. But I think
What is hurting my heart the most
is that we couldn’t be close, not really, even if we wanted to.
Unless, you know…
But I’m never going to ask you for those updates or be there for special moments and
you won’t tell me the things you might want to but will try to protect
our space, our friendship
my heart, your heart about.
So how much of friends could we really be, really
even if we entered past forbidden territory?
And that
that’s what lingers in the silence of the conversation we let end.
I want to pick up the pen to write but what would I say?
We built safety nets around ourselves with our
red alerts and preambles and
confirmations we wouldn’t - shouldn’t - talk like we were.
But then
I didn’t want to say goodbye either
Because I know, that you know
a part of me like no one else will ever know.
And I also just want to know you for you.
without any of those extra pieces, and laugh
and feel and appreciate you for who you are in all your grace
my forbidden friend.
But until then, or in the next life
I leave my pen on the table, in case
Just in case.
Chopsticks
You know that feeling
When your heart threatens to combust?
When you’re caught in the chopsticks of just one more word
or motion
or wrong breath
that could break your heart?
That’s me.
Perched between two lines holding me, in utter vulnerability.
I sit
Bracing for the shatter that typically comes when I leave my heart so utterly exposed
Beating naked.
Not hidden away like I typically do when it’s undeniable that they could hurt me
No, that’s tried
and true.
I know enough from keeping myself from being caught
up
in shapes that could hurt me.
But this time
I let myself go with open embrace to face the possibility of crumbling all over again
my patchwork heart a mosaic of repair from the pain before
ready for more
because this was worth it.
He was in it… is….
in it.
Yet
this triangle feels dangerous.
The lines that form to hold me up and apart
are acute
and I know I’m not the strongest bond here.
Please, please
deal gently with this fragile heart
Don’t you see, it’s left bare for you.
And if you can’t help but shatter me
at least let me down easy so I break into bigger pieces that are easier
to put back together.
Until then
these shallow breaths move my naked heart
up and down.
April 28 2025
© Naomi Allen, Beautifully Nay
All rights reserved
